Final Fantasy VII does Austin Powers
by CirraTheGreat
Summary: Just like the title says. An AU where the FFVII cast does Austin Powers! Rating for swearing that will likely crop up in future chapters. ;) Please R&R!
1. Go Get Dr Evil!

**Author's Notage:** Final Fantasy VII does Austin Powers! Woo. I just thought this would be fun. D 

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the FFVII characters, they belong to Squaresoft – though I would like to own Sephy, because then we could play foozball or something. But I don't own him, so blegh.

Barret Exposition shuts the large wooden door of his groovy 60s office and proceeds to take a seat behind his desk. He is dressed in a fine suit, complete with an adorable red bowtie. Somehow someone managed to find the guy a suit jacket that can fit over a gun-arm, but that my friends is the magic of fanfiction.

Anyway, he fumbles with the stacks of papers on his desk, unsure of exactly where to begin. Working for British Intelligence is a tough job. Yeah. Real tough. Suddenly, his adorable red phone (which matches perfectly with his adorable red bowtie, because Barret is the epitomy of style, of course) begins to ring.

Lifting the adorable red reciever to his ear, he half expects it to be another telemarketer calling to ask if he were interested in buying a Salad Shooter®.

"Hello?"

Barret blinks, puzzled at the sound of his own voice. Sure, it sounded like him .. but it had a distinctive British accent to it. Weird. Shrugging, he listens for the voice on the line.

"Mmhm. I see. Well, there's only one person who can handle a job like this.."

:: dramatic zooming in of camera ::

"..Cloud Powers!"

Barret drops the adorable red reciever onto the adorable red hook and flips on his nifty closed-circuit television, which automatically sets up a direct connection between himself and Mr. Powers.

_Meanwhile, in the Shaguar.._

Cloud Powers is speeding down the highway, the lovely scenery of the English countryside surrounding him (funny, how Southern California looks nothing like the English countryside!). 

He is dressed in a groovy, blue, crushed velvet suit – complete with pointy black boots and a ruffled white shirt. He wears black glasses with thick rims and his hair, as always, is mocking Sir Isaac Newton .. wherever he may be. 

  
Suddenly, an alert sound begins to .. sound .. and a screen in the dash switches on.

"Cloud!"

  
"Barret!"

"No .. Cloud!"

"Yes! .. Barret!"

"Shut up and listen to me for a second!"

Cloud flinches, afraid Barret might shoot him .. through the screen. Oh yes. How frightening. 

"Dr. Evil is up to no good once again!"

Cloud stares.

"Dr. Evil? Is that a new brand of soft drink? I mean .. because you've got your Dr. Pepper, and your generic Dr. Thunder. But I've not heard of a Dr. Evil yet. I bet it's got enough sugar in it to cause you to go into diabetic shock! Dude! I want some!"

Cloud smiles brightly at Barret, glad that the British Intelligence has finally given him a fun mission.

"No! You retard! Dr. Evil is a person. And he wants to take over the world! You gotta stop him!"

Cloud hrms. Take. Over. The. World. Sounds familiar..

"SEPHIROTH!"

"Maybe. We don't know who he is right now. But you still need to stop him! You'll be teamed up with one of our top female agents, Miss Tifa Shagnowe."

Cloud blinks. "Tifa .. Shagnowe? Oh my shit."

"Yes. Now go. The fate of the Planet depends on you!"

"Gaaaah Barret. Not. Again."

Barret shrugs and switches the television off. Yes. Mr. Powers always finds a way to save the world..


	2. Super Secret Lair of Impending DOOM and...

**Author's Notage Two: **Did you like the first chapter? Well. There's more where that came from. I'll see how many I can do tonight. :P

_Approximately One Hour Later. Kalm Tavern._

"So. Tifa. What're we gonna do about Dr. Evil?"

"Welll. We need to find out where his Super Secret Super Evil Lair of Impending DOOM is. Once we locate the Super Secret Super Evil Lair of Impending DOOM, we'll slip in .. unnoticed .. and get him. And kick his psuedo-evil ass. Because he's not even a cool villain.."

Cloud sips his drink thoughtfully.

"Oh? And who's a cool villain then..?"

"Sephiroth! Of course! Who could possibly be cooler than a guy who thinks an evil space alien is his mommy dearest and wields a six-foot long sword that he enjoys jabbing into people for no apparent reason and has dreams of becoming one with the Planet?! Not to mention the se-"

"Wait Tifa! Dude. Short, unnattractive balding man with clipboard. Fetch me the script..?"

Short, unnattractive balding man with clipboard obeys, and strolls on-set with the script in hand.

Cloud flips to the current scene and reads down the page.

"Ahah! Tampering with the script!"

Tifa leans over. "Who tampered with the script..?"

Cloud looks up. "Yo. Person with fantasic panel of lettered keys..?"

A booming voice calls from everywhere and nowhere (for I am the great author, and in my 'fic, I am God).

"Yeah. Okay. You got me.."

A few keystrokes later, the script is back to normal. For the most part..

Short, unnattractive balding man with clipboard takes the script back and strolls back off-set.

"Right. Proceed."

"Mm. As I was saying. He's not cool. I don't get that 'oh my god we're gonna DIE' feeling from him. He sounds like a brand of soft drink, come to think of it."

"Hahah! BooYAH Barret!"

Tifa cocks her head to one side. "Huh?"

Cloud shakes his head frantically. "Nothing. Forget it."

Tifa shrugs and drains the rest of the mug. "Ready t'go?"

Cloud nods, emptying his glass as well. He tosses a few Gil to the bartender and walks out, Tifa close behind.

_Meanwhile, In the Super Secret Super Evil Lair of Impending DOOM.._

"Dr. Evil, how do you like your new Lair of Impending DOOM?"

"#2 .. it is brilliant. No one would ever think to check inside of a giant, hollowed out volcano with my face carved into it! It's genius!"

#2, otherwise known as Yuffie nods. She still didn't know who her boss was yet, he liked to keep his identity secret. She wasn't even allowed to see the volcano. Damn secret identities..

Cid sits at the large table in the center of the chamber, arms crossed over his chest .. clearly miffed about something.

"Fucking HELL. Why do I have to do this?!"

#2 turns to Cid, giggling. And appropriately so. 

Cid is dressed in a tight military uniform with a miniskirt that stops above the knees, the entire outfit fitted to hug his curves .. or lack thereof. Cid's crossed arms hide the best part though, for underneath his sexy military uniform is a WonderBra, to give the pilot an impressive bosom. 

"Because, Cid .. we're paying you 300,000 Gil to do this, remember? Dr. Evil must have his masculine evil female working with him to keep with the storyline. And you look _so_ sexy in that miniskirt!" Yuffie is forced to cover her mouth to stifle an outburst of laughter.

The other two seated at the table, Red and Vincent exchange amused looks.

Dr. Evil pushes a button on his chair, which still hides him from view. "Now, my evil friends .. here's the plan. We have successfully created a weapon known as the Extra Lethal Annilator X. Attempts A through W were complete failures .. but not X! No! So, this is project Ex-LAX."

A snort of laughter escapes from everyone present, save Dr. Evil.

"What? I'm missing something .. what's so hilarious about Project Ex-LAX?"

Once again, another volley of laughter from the group.

"Now. If I may proceed .. the Ex-LAX is a powerful weapon. It is capable of releasing massive amounts of destructive energy in a single, uncontrollable, unstoppable flood of power."

Cid begins to chuckle, sending the rest into fits.

"Eh. I give up.."

   
With that Dr. Evil hits another button, which causes the chair to move forward and disappear into the next room.

Red rubs his eyes with his paws. "That was too good. Too, too good. Woot."

The others agree, and sit back in their seats, taking an unauthorized break. Not that they cared much.


End file.
